Outrage
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Kimmi
Therapy Thursdays
Tags: anger, apathy, control, fire, outrage, surrender
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on Thursday, February 19th, 2009 at 12:43 am and is filed under Career/Life, Gender, Health, Therapy Thursdays.
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Kimmi, you’re amazing.
My parents, indeed, taught me trust my own outrage–especially my mom, who is not an angry person by any means, but feels that there is right and wrong in the world and wrong must be called out.
Toni Morrison said “there is wisdom in anger” and I think she meant that if we can be self-aware, if we can tune into the discomfort, then our own bodies will tell us who to trust, what to fight back against, when to let go. Women especially have trouble with anger, because we’re socialized to think it’s ugly or mean. Sometimes it’s the most compassionate, self-protective, wise emotion we can experience, and we have to honor it.
More on this over martinis…mine, not yours, cause you’re still cleansing.
I like that Toni Morrison quote! And I agree that anger can be the most compassionate, self-protective, wise emotion we can experience. I just want to be able to burn off the top, so I can sit deep in the power of it, not twirl around in the flame of it. Can’t wait to talk more tonight! xoxo
Hey Kimmi,
So I’ve been watching your posts lately and this one definitely struck a chord with me. I recently owned my outrage ( I’m sure you can guess why eehh…hem) for the first time.
Yes, I was an outrage virgin. My family raised me to be a “lady” which has a plethora of meanings. For once in my life, instead of thinking about all the feelings I had, I actually said them aloud – breakthrough! Although my problems aren’t solved, and I can’t break the brick wall – I feel a lot better about it. It was the most honest raw emotion I’ve ever felt at one time. Now I’m just annoyed at myself that I never did this before – I guess I never understood why people did it to begin with.
So yes, I agree with Toni Morrison. I think I am wiser after owning my outrage/anger. It’s obviously not a nice feeling but it’s a force to be reckoned with. It is there lingering and if you keep it inside it just gets heavier and harder to get out.
Wonderful post Kimmi. Something that I use to get my anger out is either writing or if i’m too worked up to write as fast as my thoughts talking to myself. I can have the most amazing arguments wih the world in my journal or to the mirror. Sometimes it needs to go beyond this and I have to show my anger to the person that sparked it (if there was one person) but if I am getting angry at a situation either personal or social then this can be really helpful. I honor the feeling – give it the space it deserves and needs and then it usually passes. This is similar for me to what you talked about last week with ‘leaning into your sharpe points’ – it is about experiencing all emotion, even the uncomfortable ones. Thank you for once again for allowing me to reflect on my personl processes.
Kimmi,
I think getting physical with anger (in private) can be really healthy. There’s a reason why people cry in yoga, or punch a wall and then dissolve into tears. A friend of mine once told me that when her grandmother passed away, her mother went out into the woods, dug a shallow hole, and screamed into the earth. Sounds extreme, but it isn’t.
Tennis rackets work miracles!
And anger at injustice birthed many necessary laws, books, plays, poems, and gatherings. It’s all about the dose and application.
Letizia, I am so sorry to hear about your recent pain. I am happy to hear you’re owning it and letting yourself feel the outrage and anger, and I’m sure, the sadness too. I am sending you a big hug and an encouraging fist pump, fuck yeah!
Annalise, thank you for commenting and for sharing your techniques. I tell my students all the time to keep a rant journal. It’s funny that I don’t keep one myself! Hmmm. I should. I think I would start laughing if I yelled at an imaginary someone in the mirror. I’m so quick to laugh in general, it’s hard, and I guess good, that I can’t stay in the angry or sad places too long. I’m trying to feel them more though… thus the sharp points vlog and this one. I’m obviously going through something. I think maybe because I’m on this cleanse and have no buffers, I’m feeling everything more. Anyway, thanks for your support.
Outrage is fabulous! Especially in the sense of connecting with your inner fire. But too many people walk around indiscriminately spewing anger and inner grief — which contributes to much of the anxiety and fear we tend to live with in our society today.
I think the distinction that so many people fail to make is where their feelings fall on the anger spectrum — from irritation to indignation, to anger, to rage, to . . . outrage.
Getting out anger in a safe, healthy way so that it doesn’t fester become the shadow self is so, so vital, as you point out. So it’s critical to distinguish between a barrista screwing up your latte order, your boyfriend breaking your trust, and genocide in Darfur.
To be fueled by our inner fire, to respect its power and its beauty, is the goal. So is learning to calibrate and channel it in a proportional way appropriate to a specific situation. Long live punching bags!
Molly! I like that… the dose and application! Well said. And God, now I want to scream into the earth! How primal! Thanks. Do you think I’d get arrested if I tried doing that in Central Park?
I threw my phone on the hardwood floor after a conversation that particularly outraged me the other day, and it broke into about ten pieces. You could argue that I should have gotten my anger out in the actual discussion (and then my phone would still ring and have a speakerphone function), but all in all, this manic moved turned out to be very cathartic. It was unnecessary to stir up more drama by expressing my anger to the person on the other side of the line(it wouldn’t have helped the situation at all), and it felt so good to hurl that phone!
Deborah! Great points! Thank you so much for the spectrum and for articulating exactly what I don’t want to be: someone walking around indiscriminately spewing anger and inner grief! Amen! Here’s to the quelling of that, and the advancement of the other… inner fire!
And Cristina! I owe you a phone call! I miss you! And that is awesome that you threw a phone and it shattered. What a cool feeling that must have been! An old voice teacher one told me I should put a plate in a ziplock bag and throw it against the wall. I had totally forgotten about that piece of advice. I’m going to it goddamnit! xo
Great post — for me it’s particularly noteworthy how NYC gives us so little privacy for full-on outbursts (not that some people don’t do them anyway). I wasn’t till I came back from a year in Japan — where the walls are even thinner — that I realized how precious my car was to me for being the only place I can scream at the top of my lungs, and I treasure it for that to this day.
My issue is, when I’m angry . . . I cry!
My nose starts running, my lips start quivering, and the tears start to flow. Of course that’s a BIG problem. It makes me look and feel like a total idiot at the precise time that I want to appear strong, in control, and running shit.
Because of this, I tend to hide and not express my anger. I certainly don’t want to cry in front of the people who just pissed me off!
I’m trying to get better at this though. “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” Trying.
Thanks Dave! I love that you have a car to scream in… can I join you one day??!!!
Elz, that sucks! I can see how that would be totally frustrating! I don’t cry when I get angry, but I know a lot of women who do. I think that’s a great mantra: Speak your mind even if your voice shakes! I love it! If ever you want to practice getting angry, I’ll be your buddy!