Ladies and gentlemen, we are facing an epidemic. Yes, bandwagonitis, an obscure but deadly disease that only appears in October, is sweeping the nation. You or someone you know may already have been infected. Symptoms include:
- wearing a Red Sox hat and a Rockies jersey because you “really like them both”
- purchasing baseball paraphernalia after October 1st, 2007
- rooting for the Colorado Rockies
As bandwagonitis is a seasonal affliction, its virulence in any given year is subject to environmental factors. The current strain is something of a “perfect storm” of treatment-resistant forms of the disease. In 2004 we first saw the rise of the “Reverse the Curse” strain of bandwagonitis which ripped through the country like wildfire, leaving a trail of pink Red Sox cap-wearing Midwestern girls and tearful parents in its wake. This year, that strain, though somewhat weakened since 2004, is meeting up with another form of the disease that seems to recur every four or five years: the Cinderella Story.
We must help her and others
like her before it is too late.
It should be emphasized that this is not a Cinderella Story strain to take lightly. Medical professionals will think back to the 1997 Florida Marlin Cinderella Story bandwagonitis and scoff. Yes, it is true that everyone expected a virulent form of the disease that year, and that fear proved to be unfounded, but remember the critical oversight: the citizens of Florida were too busy golfing and waiting to die to know that a World Series was being played. We should not expect a similar reprieve from Colorado this year, as the early winter has driven innocent Coloradans into their living rooms and bars until ski season begins, putting them in grave danger of becoming victims.
The only real cure for bandwagonitis (a steady diet of baseball games on television, radio, or in person, at least 50 in a calendar year) is rarely undertaken and is seen by many victims as worse than the disease itself. Left untreated, the disease will fade into remission over time. As such, the CDC* has released the following set of guidelines for those afflicted with bandwagonitis to follow in order to reduce its harmful effects on Real Fans, who are always the hardest hit during these times:
- Do not try to call balls and strikes. You do not know what a strike is.
- If you are watching a game with a Real Fan, be courteous. Offer to get them a beer whenever you get up, or to kneel on all fours and act as their footrest.
- Do not under any circumstances taunt a Real Fan of the six teams no longer in the playoffs** unless you know more about your “own” team than they do. Except Diamondbacks fans, of course, as no Real Fan has ever been confirmed among them.
If we all work together, I’m confident we can make it safely through October.
Signed,
Dr. Bitter Yankees Fan, M.D.
** And Padres.
The Rules is a (mostly) weekly column by Ethan Todras-Whitehill setting forth the definitive truth on just about everything. It appears on Mondays.
“Offer to get them a beer whenever you get up, or to kneel on all fours and act as their footrest.”
Too funny.
I am very curious about the other functions and guidelines of the Center for Douchebbag Control.
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