As many of my near and dear know, I’ve been in the process of buying my first apartment for the past few months. In addition to feeling like I’ve got my finger on the pulse of a great investment in an up-and-coming neighborhood (I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you), I also just really want to experience living alone.
I’ve had multiple adult women tell me, “If you get the chance, do it. It teaches you something important about yourself.” What this important thing is, I have yet to find out, but I imagine it has something to do with sitting alone in a room and facing the reality of one’s own existence without the distractions of a roommate’s cat or the quiet hum of a foreign film illuminating the darkness in the next room.
The dishes in the sink? Your dishes. The garbage in the bathroom? Your garbage. And most important, the garbage in your head? Your garbage. Dealing is inevitable.
I look forward to that, though I can’t say there isn’t a part of me that is a little scared. I’m not so good at sitting still, though I want to be better. Perhaps this will help me find a sense of stillness and peace. I’m very good at worrying about other people’s feelings. Will this translate into me being more in touch with my own? That might be kind of refreshing. Will I be lonely at times? For sure. Will I learn something from the loneliness? For surety sure.
So that’s the gender/psychological analysis. The economic/race analysis is another post, another day.
In the meantime I’d love to hear recommendations or reflections from those who’ve done the living alone adventure…
First, CONGRATULATIONS on this major accomplishment. I am always so impressed when I meet a homeowner. You da bomb (are people still saying that?).
Now for the “personal reflection” part…I had the strange, yet fortunate, experience of not only living alone when I was 22-24, but of living alone in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. I took a job as an Admissions Officer at Dartmouth, assuming that my college boyfriend and I would always be together. Doh!
We broke up in September after I graduated, and I had to deal with the AGONY of being totally alone in rural New Hampshire/Vermont, completely snowed in and trapped on more than one occasion.
At the time, I was used to communal college life and most of my friends were in glamorous New York City. After a few months of crying and imaging everyone I knew as part of the Sex and the City cast, I finally got over my fear of being alone and started to really enjoy it. I taught myself how to drive stick and would just ride around on country roads, taking in the beauty of the Green Mountains and singing Bob Dylan songs. I read, hiked, cooked, did some organic farming nearby etc. I made myself try new things.
After my two years in the Admissions Office, I moved to a city and had a roommate. But I will always appreciate my “alone time.” Being able to be alone–to not bore yourself–is a huge blessing.
Congratulations again on this amazing opportunity!!! I am so happy for you.
Thanks Joie. I like imagining you there–singing as you took the curves. Sounds awesome.
Are you trying to lure me out of lurkdom? Well, lurk no more. This question I love….
This is what I think you learn when you live alone for that first time:
You learn to love the silence itself, and love it for the answers it provided. Love the escape from the chaos of all the other important things that vie for your attention and listen to the stuff that maybe you need to be thinking about. You learn to figure out which art you want to look at, words you want to read, pictures you want to see daily, things you have carried from home to home that are worth keeping and those that can be given away. Living on your own, in your own place, teaches you that you can “fix things” literally and figuratively. That you perhaps might have trouble, even fail, or end up in your pajamas yelling profanities at the overflowing toilet until you put your head back on enough to realize that it’s not rocket science and the answer is right there and easier than you might have thought to find a solution. This example of course, is a hypothetical.
I learned to catch and release my own bugs, decorate my fridge with pictures and words I found profound and moving, leave my laundry on the couch if I felt like reading my book instead of putting it away, treat my home as a refuge and appreciate the company of loved ones all the more when they were there. It also made me have dreams of rooms that I hadn’t seen yet. No joke.
Congratulations Courts on this momentous occasion. Call me if the plumbing gives you fits….
Much love, cg
Thanks Carly. Now I have my first profound and moving words to put on my fridge. Lovelove
This is so exciting! I was a solo homeowner for my three years in grad school, and was very pleased with that move. I was sure I wanted to live alone because I thought it would help me write– it also helped me learn how to throw a fantastic dinner party! My mom was the one to suggest that I look into buying a condo in Iowa City, and to my surprise, the payments for a beautiful 2 bdr with vaulted ceilings were almost half of what I would have payed for a 1 bdr right before school started. I’ll never forget my kitchen with the black and white tile floor and hanging pot rack– for some bizarre reason, I had always dreamed of having a hanging pot rack.
Yes, there were nights when I got home and wished that there was someone besides my rabbit to hear about my day, but all in all, I loved the solitude and the chance to define myself without any other influences. As Carly said, you get to decide which art you want to look at every day, when to organize or leave your own messes, and how to solve your plumbing problems. I discovered that I could light the pilot way in the back of my heater on cold, cold nights with a pair of tongs and wooden match. I really don’t know what’s more empowering than that!
Okay, so I’m totally dating myself here, but in St. Elmo’s Fire, Mare Winningham lives alone for the first time, and she’s talking about it to a friend, I think to Rob Lowe, but I can’t remember, and she says something about making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and that it was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich she’s ever had because it was all hers. I don’t think I’m doing the moment justice. What I am trying to say is that living alone is awesome for the sheer ability to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. If you want to get high, masturbate and eat Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies all night, you can. If you want to wake up at 3 in the morning and meditate or dance to Beyoncé’s Crazy in Love, you can. It is pure freedom. And the quiet that comes along with it can sink you deeper into yourself. It’s really beautiful. Sometimes it gets scary and lonely, but you can always invite someone over, and that’s a cool feeling too, to invite someone into your space, your energy. I am so happy for you and can’t wait to come over with my sage! xo, Kimmi